Beginnings

I am an ex-member of the International Churches of Christ and was a member of the ICoC's Triangle church in Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina from 1989-1994.

On my mother's side of our family our Southern roots run deep, while my father's people are Spanish-speakers (my father, a career Naval officer, was 2nd-generation Puerto Rican). Since my Dad was Catholic, I was reared in a conservative Catholic household until the age of 13, when my Dad died and my Mom brought my two younger sisters and me to upstate South Carolina to live. Mom returned to the Protestantism in which she had been reared and for my own reasons, I did not want to be Catholic anymore. I didn't really want to be "anything" anymore, religiously speaking, but I attended Protestant churches because my mom made me. I was never too happy or satisfied with church overall. It just seemed like a bunch of rules, and the cliques were worse than being in high school. Yuck. I was pretty disgusted with "religion" by the time I turned 18.

I graduated from a ultra-fundamentalist Christian high school and attended a year of college at the same fundamentalist group's university. This particular place is one of the world's bastions of ultra-fundamentalism and calls itself "The World's Most Unusual University." I'll say ! I always struggled inwardly while there, with the oppressive rules and the cliques, though I did have my own circle of friends and managed to assimilate fairly well "on the outside."

I completed my sophomore year at a Southern Baptist junior college, where my fellow students were either religious or hog-wild... I fell in with the wild crowd. I studied a little, sang in the concert choir, played a *lot* of video games, and spent every weekend in the bars and clubs around town (the drinking age was 18 back then). I didn't have much interest in church - I felt I'd seen enough of church to know what to expect, and what I'd seen, I didn't care for.

Life's a B!#$h, and Then You . . . Hook Up with an ICoC Member

In Spring 1988, I was 26 years old and severely depressed about a number of failed relationships with men and the overall direction (or lack thereof) of my life. My "party friends" didn't come around when I stopped frequenting the bar scene -� and honestly, I hoped that most of them would stay away. In early Summer 1988, I got what at that point in my life I considered a "good job" -- it was a step up at the time. I was to work doing word processing in the marketing department of a large international engineering firm. It was there that I met the girl who introduced me to "the Boston movement."

I'm Gonna Try With a Little Help From My "Friends"...

Amy, a college graduate working secretarial jobs, was our department's new administrative specialist. She seemed like such a kind and sincere person, and though she was several years younger than I, she seemed interested in developing a friendship with me. Honestly, I was encouraged to have found a friend whose activities consisted of things other than partying. Over a period of weeks she developed a relationship with me, inviting to have lunch with her, dinner at her apartment with her three housemates, meeting her "church" friends - one night, the post-dinner activity was a viewing of a film called "Upside Down." (It was an OK film, but I came to see later that along with what they considered the "gospel message," they used the film to present some of their errant doctrines in a format which probably makes it easier for people to swallow them (e.g., "Baptism - 'The Big Splash'").

Anyway, I was in the process of being drawn in. I was invited to a church picnic; I began attending Bible Talks and got to know some people there. All of Amy's friends belonged to the Foothills church of Christ.

The Foothills church of Christ was the ministry via which I first encountered the Boston Movement. This group was started at Clemson University approx. 1986, and a year or two later, everyone was commanded "encouraged" to move to Greenville. As I stated above, my first contact with this group was actually in 1986, when I worked for a business owner in Greenville who was in the traditional church of Christ - but this man's brother, Bob Rogers, was in "The Movement" and was on the Movement's mission team to Mexico City back in the mid-1980's.

Unbeknownst to me prior to my baptism, the leaders of the Boston Movement were trying to decide what to do about this little straggler church in Upstate South Carolina, and they eventually decided to disband it and force "challenge" the members in order to see "who was really a disciple." Members were commanded "encouraged" to move to cities which had discipling ministries. It was accepted, though not easily, that those who refused to move were "not really disciples." That's how I ended up at ICoC-Triangle - more on that a bit later.

"Studying the Bible"

When Amy asked me if I wanted to "Study the Bible," I agreed. Having been involved with the Fundamentalists (though not by choice) during high school and my first year of college, I considered myself fairly knowledgeable about the Bible - but I reasoned that everyone could stand to learn a little more. I soon found myself "studying the Bible" with Amy, Shevon, Sherry, Lynne, Veronica, Kaye, and several other women during the course of my studies. Kaye was the evangelist's wife - at that time, Don and Kaye King were leading the Foothills Church. I thought that from a "Christian" viewpoint, I would be pretty hip to much of what they were saying. Was I ever in for a shock!

There's a lot that could be said about the ICoC's "First Principles" [tm] studies that I will leave to others, but I will say that I began going through the studies, making it through "The Word" and "The Kingdom." I agreed at the end of "The Word" study that I would "make the Bible my standard" (looking back now, what a joke *that* was! They wanted me to make *their interpretation* of the Bible my standard. :-((( ). "The Kingdom" was a study which, frankly, didn't make a lot of sense to me at all the first time it was done with me - I knew about all the Bible passages they used, but I didn't really understand what their point was. The bad part came later, when I was shot down in the "Discipleship" study. This study is one where guilt about your past sins and shortcomings comes to the forefront, and I had to admit that, the way they were presenting it to me, I was NOT A "DISCIPLE."

"The Cross" study was a hard look at the physical and emotional suffering of Jesus on the cross. I was given to understand that in order to be a "disciple," I needed to be emotional about what Jesus actually felt on the cross. Since I was never much of one to cry or show other emotions in front of others, I had some difficulty with this study, too.

During the "Sin & Repentance" study, I confessed my sins, which were many. I wrote them down on a piece of paper after looking at the Scriptures provided. You must understand that by nature, I was a shy and VERY private person; though I felt very tied in with the group as a whole (everyone was SO "loving" and "open") I felt a deep resistance about spilling my guts to these people, most of whom I had known for only a relatively short period of time -- about three months. Some of the things I ended up telling these people are are things I've never even told my family. "Sin & Repentance" was an extremely uncomfortable experience -- and I believe that is by design. Even so early on in my ICoC experience, I felt that this "confession" was the price I had to pay to keep those "Christian friends."

In the "Light & Darkness" study, I was told that baptism is a necessary act in order to receive salvation. We had some degree of argument about that, but I eventually capitulated, again, because I felt that their rejection of me would be the price I paid for not agreeing to their interpretations of the Bible.

We "counted the cost," and they refused to baptize me if I continued to smoke cigarettes; so, that had to go, too. And so, I was baptized by the Foothills church of Christ in April 1989. Everyone that I'd had any contact with during the studies, and many who were part of that small singles group at Foothills, sent me a card congratulating me on the fact that I'd "made it." I still have those cards tucked away in a box somewhere.

Turmoil and Upheaval

I did have some agony over the decision; however, at that time I was not close to my family and I was ripe for an adventure. I rationalized that I had put my hand to the plow and if I looked back, I was unworthy of God's love and salvation. So, I decided to move to the Raleigh/Durham area, mostly because Amy had decided to go there and we had become close friends. When I explained to my mother what was going on, she invited me and a mainline Church of Christ preacher over for dinner to try and talk me out of my decision. I didn't like that preacher and I didn't respond well to him. The people at work were cordial, but distant; I guessed that "they just didnt' understand," either.

How come my mother could see that I was involved with a manipulative religious group, yet I could not? All mom knew is that I'd been attending Foothills church of Christ, but she sensed a change in my behavior - I guess it was a mother's intuition that told her something was terribly wrong in my world.

In spite of my family's attempts to stop me, I left Greenville at the end of May 1989 with my beloved, spunky cat Tasha in my arms and my possessions in part of a shared rental truck (singles and college-age members of the ICOC tend to have very few possessions because they are always moving). Most of those who moved went to Atlanta, a few moved to Boston, and three of us -- Amy, Jeanne, and myself -- moved to North Carolina. (Jeanne left the ICoC a year or two before I did and I hope she puts her story on the web one of these days - it is a particularly grievous example of some of the invasive and controlling practices of the ICoC.)

There were those who refused to leave Greenville due to commitments they were unwilling to break, or ties they were unwilling to sever, or maybe just due to good old common sense. To their credit, many of the Foothills people seemed at first to have a hard time thinking their friends that decided to stay behind were not disciples, but in the church, you are always encouraged to call a spade, a spade.

Now the "Real Fun" Begins

I learned that I would live in Durham, and that I would live with Sheila, a women's Bible Talk leader. That decision was made for me and I was never given an option as to the city where I would live (i.e., Raleigh, Durham, or Chapel Hill). I would never have chosen Durham on my own; it's a run-down stepsister to the other two cities. (I never did develop a liking for Durham.) Amy was to live with Joy and Kate in an apartment on the other side of my building.

On the day we arrived in Durham, I discovered that they weren't exactly ready for us. Sheila's previous housemate, Laura L., had not yet moved her things out of Sheila's apartment. The rental truck had to be returned; Amy was distracted; several times she vaguely said something about finding a mini-warehouse where I could store my things and several times (and finally, angrily) I reminded her that I did not have the money to pay for storage. The brothers who came to help us finally just crowded my things into my new apartment and I could do nothing but wait until busy Laura L. finally had her things removed from my new home.

Pets are Unsuitable for "the Kingdom" Lifestyle

My new home was a two-bedroom townhouse at Penrith Apartments, located at the edge of Research Triangle Park. I learned the day I arrived in Durham that the complex did not allow pets. Either no one had told the ICoC decision makers at Triangle that I had a pet, or they knew and simply assumed I would have to get rid of it. To this day, I don't really know what transpired. When I look back on all this, it seems appalling to me that I let these people have so much control over my life, and I didn't even question them. How dangerous that was, and how foolish I was. But after all, this was "The Kingdom," right?

I flatly refused to send my cat to the animal shelter. After arguments and many tears, I surrendered the cat to a sister who said she knew someone in Chapel Hill who owned a large piece of land and would allow Tasha to live there. That sister, Laura B., would become my first discipling partner.

"Discipling" - A Short Note Here

I guess the cat incident didn't get me off to a great start in "the Kingdom."

Amy was placed in a Bible Talk that met in Chapel Hill, while I was in a single womens' Bible Talk that my housemate, Sheila, led at our home. As I said, Amy and I had become very close friends while she was "recruiting" me - so the day when she "cut me loose" by rebuking me loudly and publicly after a Sunday service me for "not making more of an effort" with the other disciples was a HUGE shock. I was in tears, devastated - but this incident was also a big "clue" to me regarding the abusive nature of the ICoC. After this happened I "lost my innocence" about the so-called "Kingdom of God" (ICoC).

When I look back on it, I see that Amy and I had an extremely codependent relationship. After she "rebuked" me, I felt nothing so much than that she'd used our friendship to get me into the ICoC. I accept responsibility for the part that my own lack of character played in this situation, and believe me, I "paid the price" emotionally - but it is also the ICoC's typical methods for recruiting and "discipling" that play a major role in fostering unhealthy relationships. As an ICoC member, it is drilled into your head that "relationships" are what will "get you to Heaven," - and "relationships" are also what's systematically used in the ICoC to gain and keep control over its members. Again, with the benefit of hindsight, I can't believe I was so emotionally dependent on Amy for everything, and I feel that was probably by design - anything that draws and keeps people in the ICoC is certainly something that leadership will use and abuse for the ICoC's benefit. Amy and I subsequently talked everything over, and I forgave her. As a Higher Power is my witness, I hold no ill will in my heart toward her. However, I will never forget this, as long as I live.

Would you like to play, with a fool holding hands with a one-eyed jack of spades, while on the deck they sing? All of the captain's cards are kings, still he and the queen are lost at sea... I hope it isn't you and me." -- Dave Matthews Band ("The Song that Jane Likes," Remember Two Things, 199?)

When I arrived at my destination in North Carolina, the Triangle Church of Christ (as it was called then) was led by Steve and Betsy Gooch. I was quite uncomfortable with the superficial-seeming and emotion-based nature of the preaching and teaching, but by that time, I knew it would be very unwise to question anything about the leaders.

Even though we Foothills folks had left our former lives behind (and burned some bridges in the process), the Triangle folks still apparently weren't convinced that we were "disciples." I had several meetings with Cindy G., who was leading the single women at Triangle at that time. I was not placed on the membership rolls at the time I arrived in Durham - it seemed that I would be given a period of time to review my "conversion" and prove that I was "a disciple." I was frightened beyond measure - I had given up everything that was important to me in order to come to North Carolina, but in spite of that, I was being left in "limbo" while others watched my actions and made decisions about my fate. Again, I saw that something was wrong and a lot of things were going on in my head - but the bottom line was that I had no money left after moving and I felt I had nowhere else to go. I capitulated under the pressure and agreed to be baptized again. That took place on December 20, 1989. Cindy told me at that time that I needed to "hit the ground running" - after six months in the pressure-cooker environment at ICoC-Triangle, I knew very well that this meant that I needed to meet someone (a woman, it is assumed), study First Principles with them, and baptize someone as soon as possible.

Yet as hard as I tried in the beginning, I was never able to persuade a person I'd met to actually join the ICoC. Even at that early stage of my time in the ICoC, I had some rather deep reservations about what I'd gotten myself into and really just did enough to keep myself out of trouble. I never had many "visitors," but I was and am an extremely organized person and have a talent for details and getting things done. I rationalized that these talents made up for not being able to recruit a new member. I organized refreshments for Bible Talks, assisted with the catering of weddings between church members, baby-sat, taught kids' church. I did these tasks gladly, because I could do them with a clear conscience, but I always felt guilty about not having many "visitors," not being in many "studies," and not being able to persuade others to join the sect.

The Gooch's left in August 1990, according to my journals. They were being sent away for the infamous "more training." However, most members were aware that there was some kind of trouble - much gossip circulated about his departure, but I never heard the full story.

After the Gooch's left, Mitch and Jan Mitchell took over the congregation for a while. They were nice people and I liked them very much. I really enjoyed Mitch's preaching; he was more intellectual rather than emotional in his interpretation and delivery of of scriptural concepts -- very sensible and approachable.

I started feeling much better about the church in general. I had several "visitors" during this time, but no one I'd met would actually "become a disciple."

Reconstruction...A Confusing and Miserable Experience

If it is suspected that the larger part of the congregation has "fallen away" in its heart, a reconstruction is begun. From the pulpit, it is announced that members should immediately make a "stay or go" decision. Those who stay are subjected to some intense evaluation of the "sins" in his/her life which are preventing the person from "being a disciple."

The Triangle church was reconstructed around 1992 (memory is a bit fuzzy on the actual date). Apparently, someone decided that no one was "doing well" at the time; as I remember, part of the implication was that we as a group had become lazy. Yet I thought the time when Mitch and Jan led the church was really rather positive. Not many people joined, but my impression is that not many people "fell away" during that time, either.

But inevitably, a "reconstruction" team led by ACES evangelist Barry Mahfood arrived. Boot-camp atmosphere prevailed, and from my perspective, you could smell the fear in the air. This "evangelist" was, in my opinion, harsh, judgmental, and mean-spirited. To me, it seemed presumptuous for a stranger to come into our midst and say the things he said. I wish I'd taken some notes that I could share with you now - but I was so angry, I couldn't have held onto a pen that night to save my life. For most of the evening, my arms were crossed, my fists were clenched, and I was trembling with indignation (but really, I was just being terribly "prideful," wasn't I? ;-> )

(There is a parable in the gospels which speaks of letting the wheat and the weeds grow together [Matthew 13:24-30]; the warning was that we are not to pull out the weeds, lest we pull out the wheat also. Jesus indicates that it's God's job to pull out the weeds, not ours. As far as theological issues go, I find that this is one of the areas where leaders in the ICoC totally ignore what the Bible says in order to further their control over the members.)

I think it was as a result of this "reconstruction" effort, but I don't remember chronologically the exact day and time, I temporarily left the ICoC for several months during the summer and early fall of 1992 and began to gain a little perspective on my life. I rarely spoke to ICoC members except for 2 or 3 people who I considered close friends. I went on a vegan diet, lost 20 pounds, and felt great. I went to Cancun with Deb, who was one of my very best friends. (I'm surprised she, as an ICoC member, was allowed to do this, or maybe she didn't seek "advice" about the trip -- during the time I knew Deb, her independence was also causing a good bit of trouble for her as an ICoC member, though I greatly admired and had begun to "imitate" that quality in her. Oops. ;->) I patched up my relationships with my co-workers. I didn't tell my family I'd left the ICoC -- I wasn't ready to hear their "I told you so's."

I've got to take a moment to tell you about Deb. What a neat and fabulous person! Someone I would have fought to spend time with if I had to. (I have a couple of cool photos of Deb and me hanging out in Cancun which I'm going to scan and place on this website. We had some difficulties on that trip, but I had a lot of fun, too.) We liked the same music, had the same "champagne tastes/beer budgets," wore the same clothing and shoe sizes and borrowed each other's stuff, we both loved to cook, and we generally had the same opinions about everything. This had nothing to do with discipling -- I just consider it serendipity. People would say to me, "If you were black, you'd look like Deb," and people would say to her, "if you were white, you'd look like Sarah." We did have a great deal in common, and we both always got quite a kick out of those comparisons.

One of the unfortunate characteristics Deb and I shared was a tendency toward depression. There was a period of time in 1993 when Deb really hit the skids, emotionally speaking. She was so depressed, she could not get out of bed. People acted understanding and concerned... at first. But as time passed, she was treated more and more harshly -- people perceived her as just "selfish" and "self-focused." Two sisters came over to "visit" one day and I remember saying to them, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE HER ALONE?" (shout intended). Seeing Deb treated with such a lack of compassion infuriated me, but there wasn't much I could do about it. She was later diagnosed as being clinically depressed.